How to Avoid an Existential Crisis While Choosing a Nail Polish Color

It all started in the third grade when I took my first trip to the unspoken tenth circle of hell: the nail salon.

First off, you're tasked with choosing a polish color. This color that you choose defines you. At least for the rest of the week. Don't even get me started on gel nail colors, because that is a whole other level of commitment.

Twenty minutes after you've tirelessly sorted through the 40 shades of red on the wall to no avail, an employee comes over to assist you.

You hate the color, but won't notice until your entire right hand has been painted. 

You muster up the courage to ask for a color change, but there's a communication barrier.

The employees are having a seemingly hilarious conversation. You begin to get paranoid that they're making fun of you because you don't speak their language.

They were totally making fun of you. An employee asks you if you want your upper lip waxed.

You find out at the end of your service that tip is cash only.

You mess up your manicure immediately after you leave the salon.

You decide that you don't need to pay $35 for a mani/pedi when you can just do it yourself! But they turn out like shit.

You walk into the nail salon the next week, and the vicious cycle continues. 

Disclaimer: I don't do nail art. I swore off of it in the 8th grade when I asked my manicurist for sparkles and by the time I looked up from my US Weekly, I had a spider painted on my left thumbnail. Mind you, this was nowhere near Halloween. No idea how that request would have made any sense at all, but these situations tend to get lost in translation. The only time I strayed from my oath was in 2012 when I was inspired by Louis Vuitton's Yayoi Kusama collaboration.

Slightly less basic bitch than a regular french manicure? No?

I lied to you. This isn't a "how to", because I really don't know the answers to avoiding an existential crisis at the nail salon. Can it be done? My best advice is to find your signature shade and stick to it. At the moment, mine is a nude color by Essie called "ladylike". The name alone makes me want to die, but it'll do. You're also going to need to find a place that is sensitive to your self esteem issues and doesn't suggest a brow or lip wax every time you're there. Lastly, you'll need to find a good therapist. Hope this helped! 

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